Best in Show

I have some bad news: this presidential race is going to be much closer than I thought. ‘Why?’ you ask. Well, in spite of the lack of “real” education and “real” experience, Sarah Palin appears to be a huge threat to Obama’s race to the White House. The pundits can make fun of her all they wan--the woman, raised in rural Alaska, has a very real and very strong appeal to “normal” Americans, the kind that voted for GW in the past.

Watching Palin’s speech at the Republican Convention, I was absolutely floored at both what she was saying and with the audience’s enthusiasm for her words. She slammed Obama as he has never been slammed before, and the audience, starving for someone to say the one-liners they have undoubtedly heard at one time or another, went absolutely wild. These people, admittedly the “inside the beltway” type even if they don’t necessarily reside in D.C., have been itching for a fight, and it looks like they’re going to get one, and how. Obviously the McCain campaign, well aware that Joe Biden was hired as the dark side of that good cop/bad cop relationship, found themselves their own little firecracker to push back. They knew Biden would spend the next two months biting at the heels of McCain in every attempt to derail him, both because Obama seems to be very unwilling and almost chronically unable to go on the offensive, and because McCain was able to, because of the extended fight between Obama and Hillary, fly virtually unnoticed under the political radar for months on end, immune to any potential criticism from the Democrats. Biden now has a counterpart in the other campaign, though, and she is, as alluded to in her speech, a pit bull waiting in the wings. As the Republican Campaign Machine sharpens her teeth, training her to go for the jugular whenever possible, her handlers, I am told, have even taken to poking her with a stick through the bars of her cage in her down time, an attempt to “keep the fight in her” as she rests between training sessions. Rumor is, they went through three sparring partners in the first day alone. One can only hope they throw Ann Colter in the ring with her at some point and rid us of that cunt once and for all. My luck being what it is, they would probably swoon from mutual admiration for each other instead of fighting, frustrating the on-lookers as they sniffed each other’s butts in ecstasy.

This Palin woman is a real power hitter of the back woods variety, folks, and I ain’t kidding. I know she’s got some razors hidden in that up-do of hers. Don’t let that smile fool ya; she’d just assumed tear your heart out and take a bite out of it while you look on as talk to ya. Biden had better be on his toes for the debate, and the Obama campaign had better start to change its tactics or it’s going to get a modern Swift-boating as the crème-de-la-crème of the Evil Party begin to hone their zippy one-liners. The tenor of the speeches seems to be tailored to the cowboy-hat-wearing-war-mongering-oil-baron-wannabes that litter the Convention Center’s floor. But I would have to agree with Palin when she muses at the political elite’s great underestimation of the masses. That is to say, that they underestimate just how many hicks there are in the world.

All in all, I was saddened, frankly, that the idea of playing nice between the camps is not to last longer than it has. After seeing Mrs. Palin speak, though, I am convinced that there is no other way to win than to just jump into the brawl, arms flying, hoping to hit some soft spot as you juggernaut your way to the November polls. I am not sure, really, how Palin is going to play out in the media. But, as fickle as the American public is, I am not sure they can be trusted to just cognitively know who would be better to send to Washington on their behalf. It’s such a double standard that the public yearns for in its politicians. They expect them to be pure, and dead set against furthering their own interests, to be even and knowledgeable on policy and foreign affairs, all the while complaining when they don’t get down and dirty in the Primary ring, fighting to the death in some semi-celebrity deathmatch this time between McCain the Snickering Leprechaun and Obamatron, Robot of de Peoples. I guess American’s ideal candidate would be a pretty, pastel Mother Theresa coating with a creamy O.J. center, the evil within just waiting to be unleashed.

That’s just what worries me. If you were to put these factors into your “perfect candidate logarithm”, mix in some fun 80s pop and a lightning storm, what may emerge is your Weird Science pre-pubescent fantasy, a hot supermodel, who is there to serve you but put you in your place when you need it. She is an overly fertile, top notch MILF. She is Sarah Palin, your pit bull wearing lipstick.