Codependency

Love is such an improbable, unpredictable thing. I know that before I found someone, people in love constantly surrounded me. My friends were always going through some relationship crisis of some kind, and I was always there to help...to play psychologist. And, I must say, I didn’t do a half-bad job of it. I could usually tell when people should be together or not, and would encourage them accordingly. I would always call a spade a spade, though, and be alert and logical, even forthcoming about the wrongs of either side in any relationship conflict. Anyway, in a roundabout way, I am trying to say that I gave a lot of advice in those first 30 years, and it was always well intentioned. People can call me a lot of things, they can say that I am too sarcastic, that I am manipulative, that I am not psychologically sound, etc., etc., and just for good measure, etc. But, one thing that I know in my heart is that, when giving advice to other people on their relationships, I always tried to do the right thing.

One thing that I always despised in other relationships, especially those that lasted for years and years was codependency—when one part of the couple seemed unable to exist without the other. Even on the minutest level, one-half of these relationships could not seem to function without its other 50 percent. No decision could be made without approval from the other person; no interest could be pursued unless the other person also had that interest. These are the sorts of people that only speak in “wes”. We can’t come, because we are busy (and they don’t even mean the royal we.) These are the kind of people that break off a friendship if their boyfriend or girlfriend does not get along with you. Sickening. My philosophy in these sorts of situations was always the same, that the individual spirit and identity must be maintained. That, when one is in a relationship for a long time, that one cannot lose one’s own identity, interests, or friends only because there is a new person in one’s life.

But, now that Chris and I have been together for a year and a half, I am beginning, for the first time to understand. I wouldn’t say that, before, I was heard-hearted to the effects of a long relationship. That is to say, co-dependency, it seemed, after a while, was a natural byproduct of two people being together. I just thought it should be avoided at all costs.

That being said, the past couple of days, Chris has needed to be at job interviews, etc. So, I have had a couple of moments to reflect on him being gone. And, I am happy to say, I really missed him in those moments. Perhaps it is true, if I were to analyze myself from another viewpoint that I am beginning to feel codependent with Chris. And, even though this is true, the message that I get when I sit for just a moment or two and miss him, is that I love him more than I have ever loved another human being. I am sure that what I have for him is special in that it seems to grow and intensify with time, that now, more than ever I know that he is the one with whom I want to spend all of my days. I love him, and, codependency or not, I know that I am so blessed to be living these last one and a half years with him. So, yes, maybe it is codependency when I miss at little moments during the day, but it is also love. And the love is so much more important.