Perspiration/Inspiration Parody

I am more and more convinced that the greatest challenge on this earth is the challenge to love and accept yourself. I know that much of the depression that I find myself in comes from self-hatred, and many of the bad habits that I have become accustomed to are all designed to give me some kind of gratification that I cannot seem to find within myself. Eating yummy things seems to give me the most immediate, nicest feeling.

I was sitting here, wondering what to do today. There are so many things that I could do. But, all of them seem too burdensome somehow—none of them being things that will make me immediately feel better about myself. These days, I like to just stick to the big three: exercise, practicing, and my doctorate. They are hard enough to accomplish without the distractions of “things that must be done” in the garden. Isn’t that damn garden supposed to be fun, anyway?

Most of my self-hatred stems from the fact that my good friend Betsy just got her first solo Fest contract with the opera house in Wiesbaden. It is her first contract, and she got it in a super house (her first role will be Idamante in Idomeneo and she will be singing it with a tenor who has done it at the Met.) I am extremely happy for her; it made me cry from joy when I learned that she had “made it”. On the other hand, though, this great success of someone who was once in one of my classes at KU makes me look at my own life with disgust. It makes me hate where I am even more than I have already begun to.

Now begins the great, uncomfortable metamorphosis to become the auditionee again. I can’t believe I used to lecture Chris, struggling to get customers for his failing business, about the fact that no one could hire him as a web designer because no one even knew he was here. Just like he needed to “get the word out” about his talents, I, as well, need to start doing some gigs and auditions in order to let people know that I am here.

Betsy has achieved what she has because of hard work, a belief in herself, and just plain tenacity. She is both lucky for and deserves what she has. I had a terrible time auditioning in 2003, found myself a comfy position, and sat on my haunches licking my wounds for 2 years. But it is time now to strike out again into the world, to give myself a chance at the same time as finishing my degree and becoming Dr. So-and-so. Being a Heldentenor or being a college professor would both be better than being 3rd man to the left. That’s just how it is. (I think this should be read with some background music either from “Chariots of Fire” or the Air Force hymn...”Off we go into the wild blue yooooooonder”. It should at least be something triumphant. Maybe Wagner would be fitting.)