Thinking

I think that I probably talked to you about the cultural experiment that Joshua Bell took part in some time ago. He played in a train station somewhere, in normal clothes, just to see if anyone would even notice greatness if it were placed before them. The experiment, unfortunately, showed the worst side of people: practically no one noticed him at all.

Having 45 minutes until my next train from Stuttgart to Pforzheim today, I left the Hauptbahnhof, which is adjacent to the city’s sprawling pedestrian shopping center. I walked out to get some fresh air and also to see, if, just by chance, my favorite accordion player was there, playing in the open of winter. He wasn’t. But, I was lucky enough to make a new discovery, another accordionist, a young man, who played some long, Debussy-esque jazz improvs, some lasting nearly ten minutes. Well, he was just brilliant.

I am coming home from having had a marvelous coaching yesterday and an equally exquisite voice lesson today. I am definitely on the upswing of life’s mania/depression. As the layers of dust covering my instrument are being lifted, I am discovering sounds that I have never heard come out of me before. At the same time, the layers of my carefully constructed, guarded psyche are being peeled back and revealing parts of myself I have not known for a very long time. Who knew it...singing is not just an intellectual act. Instead, it is an expression of body, mind and spirit, all.

And just as I have been contemplating what the word “passion” means to me, I happen upon a brilliant street musician who is playing his heart out, but being practically ignored. I say “practically“, because it is the part that really touched me. It is true, yes, that most people seem to not even notice that the man is playing before them. But, there are a few, a blessed few, that recognize what they are hearing, veer from their paths to come closer, stop for just a moment amongst their stress-filled lives, and listen. And, when they do, they take out their change purses and give generously, often simply emptying all the coins they have. When I noticed this, the tears welled up. It seemed to say: it does not matter if great numbers recognize your talent, because those who do are so emphatic about it, it makes up for the loss.

This answers some questions I have about humanity.

When I ask myself “do I have passion within me?”, I often come up with strangely complex answers, many of them taking on the form of the “if a tree falls in the wood and no one is there to hear it” kind of composition. Believe it or not, and I know this basically means I am a bastard, I believe one of the reasons that I am so hesitant to share what I have within me is this burning question “does the world deserve it?”

The idea of pouring out the passions that lie within me into a world that kills and maims so easily, that does not seem to respect even the most innocent among us, a world that, in spite of its great beauty, seems to be filled with an equally grandiose amount of shit, a disproportionate amount of which seems to be created by Man, is a hell of a lot like “pearls to swine”, if you ask me. This makes me an egotistical bastard, an asshole, yes. But, I am so sick of this war and war in general (all that killing.) I, thank God, sincerely, that I do not have to witness it first hand. That anyone would have to endure such things as war, child abuse, wife beating, close-mindedness, and even just plain meanness is such a shame. The idealist in me, unwilling to admit that yes, life is unfair, is sickened by the state of the world today.

Rise above it, you’ll say. I am trying so desperately to re-connect with God and open my heart. But, in my over-sensitivity, I feel like my heart is damaged beyond repair by this world. When a child dies, many a preacher or do-gooder would say “he/she was just too good for this world.” What does that mean? And why is it only applicable to babies?

At what pint can you be simply thankful for the blessings bestowed upon you and deaf to those who have nothing?

So much for the Voice Teacher’s friendly advice of “don’t think too much.”