Mitt Romney is the devil

Finally, a political figure to which “Lug'” has devoted his entire blog has made it to the national news. Before I heard his name recently on NPR, I had only heard of him after having been heavily “criticized” by ol' Luggy in my blog entry about Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's being a Mormon. (See “Oh my God, I'm a bigot”—November 15, 2006.)

Well, I thought Reid was bad enough. Geez. At least Reid has the common decency to masquerade as a Democrat. But, to just go streaking through the political landscape with your right-wing Republican goods just hanging out? These days? Dude, that is so 1996. It's like what I always say about you breeders out there: “I don't mind straight people, I just expect them to act gay in public.”

Now that I have become more familiar with Mitt Romney, the soon-to-be ex-governor of Massachusetts, I think I can understand better the reason behind my Mormon prejudice. When anyone says something like "Attaching the word marriage to the association of same-sex individuals mistakenly presumes that marriage is principally a matter of adult benefits and adult rights. In fact, marriage is principally about the nurturing and development of children. And the successful development of children is critical to the preservation and success of our nation." Uh, ok... what was it abortion rights activists used to say...“keep your laws off my body”? Well, Mr. Romney, I urge you to keep your silly Momo definitions of my vocabulary!

I mean, since the purpose of marriage is making little kiddies, those that fail to pop them out must automatically see their marriages as giant failures, right? Just because a Mormon couple that has anything less than 12 kids is a total let-down to their faith doesn't mean that the thousands upon thousands of couple who have chosen not to reproduce should feel valueless, does it? When such a concise and constraining definition of marriage comes down from the governor himself, one would think that he could someday envision legislation decreeing that couples, when issued a marriage license, should be given a fair time frame to have progeny of some kind. If they have no children within the time allotted, the state should revoke their license and render them automatically divorced!

The Massachusetts millionaire claims that he abhors discrimination against gays, insisting that he only wants to protect the institution of marriage. Yet, he is also against civil unions for gays. Why doesn't he just come out and say it? Why are politicians always incapable of saying what they think? He thinks that gays are the pox of society and doesn't want their existence in any way sanctioned by the government. That's what he thinks. Just say it for Chrissake. I am sure he would like to just ship us all of somewhere...

(I have secretly loved the idea of getting shipped off to an island together, all us from the evil gay underground. Can you imagine the beach parties, I mean “Hello”! I can just see the newest reality show “Lost: a gay romp in the jungle” being a big hit. Let's just say, we wouldn't have killed off that hunky Mr. Eko quite so haphazardly. Damn you ABC and your CBS ways!)

I digress.

Oh, yeah, Mitt Romney, devil, etc.

I, in closing, just want to point out that Mitt (what the hell kind of name is that anyway...is that one of them Mormon names) wants to run for president. That is SO funny. I mean, what do these people think? Do they think that my fellow WASPs are just going to sit around and let an actual self-professed cultist climb that high on the social ladder? I just have to chuckle to myself that they don't seem to understand that this governorship was just table scraps to keep everyone satisfied. Well, nothing says happy multi-cultural society like a token Mormon Neocon on the ticket, right?

What's scary is that Mitt actually believes that he IS a good ol' boy. It's like when Dave Chappelle plays a blind Ku Klux Klan leader who doesn't know he's black because he was raised by white-supremacists. He never found out the truth because no one ever had the heart to tell him.

Well dammit to hell, someone's got to: Mr. Romney, you ain't got a snowball's chance in hell of being the next president of these here United States. Just go back to business and go back to what y'all are good at, making money and little Momo babies. All my best, J.