The End of an Affair

After I visited my friend in Chicago, I traveled to Lawrence, Kansas, where I spent nearly two weeks tying up all of the loose ends, and presenting my thesis equivalent and defense. This was an extremely trying period where I was mentally challenged time and time again. My orals (Oral Comprehensive Examinations in Music History) were the first hurdle to bound my cumbersome body over…especially dull is my knowledge of dates and names as I have been out of school for 4 years. This is the kind of exam people have nightmares about, the kind of exam that one cannot study for, where no holds are barred and the student is basically responsible for the cumulative knowledge of his entire academic career. The student sits at one end of the table and the professors sort of surround you, something like a lynch mob, positioned, ready to pounce on any discrepancy. They take turns asking you questions; they can ask anything they want. It is not expected that the student knows everything but he must definitely exhibit some kind of mental prowess, preferably proving that he is an academic show dog, the product of the professors good work and the student's sponge-like brain.

And the things they asked…one professor asked me: "so, if you are in Paris, on the left bank, and you see an advertisement for "Le Crépuscule des Dieux", what would it be for?" Answer: "Götterdämmerung" (this kind of question was obviously intended to confuse the hell out of me.) The musicologist brought in scores without their titles. They were examples from varied time periods and were accompanied by simply "Is there anything you can tell me about this?" That was very hard. I think I shocked them when I guessed properly that some voice part with a realized bass was actually an excerpt from the first opera ever written, Orfeo, a joint venture by members of the Florentine Camerata, Peri and Caccini.

When, after a couple of hours, the committee asked me to leave so that they could deliberate, I sat outside like a schoolboy waiting for the principal's condemnation, my ass practically hurting already from the eminent ass-whooping that I knew I was about to receive. Surely such feeble answers to these broad-spectrum mental searches would be transparent to the 5 members of my committee. When my teacher came out and said only "Honors", I was stunned to say the least. I guess this is relatively rare for someone to receive honors.

The rest of the time leading up to my lecture recital is all a blur of sorts. I had to present my theory papers, and rehearse with my pianist, I had to get my document ready and practice its recitation, there were forms to fill out and re-fill out as the attention to every detail at this level of academia is knit-picky beyond description.

The big push forward was the lecture recital, of course, and it went smashingly well. I sang well and the audience was very responsive to the text, even laughing at the occasional jokes that I inserted. The final aria even received "bravos" from the faculty. The next day, at the defense, pointed critiques were posed, but I came out relatively unscathed. While waiting for the deliberation, though, I was still scared, I have to admit. When I re-entered the room, the faculty, stood, and the Chairman reached out his hand saying "Congratulations, Dr. F." This was a wonderful moment emblazoned into my memory. At that moment, I became Dr. F.

Following the defense there were only small commas to be replaced and citations to be straightened out. I fixed those in about 20 minutes, copied everything off onto resumé paper and was finished. I turned everything into the Dean's office the next day and my entire academic career, spanning from 1991 until the present, came to an abrupt end.

This monkey on my back had become an apee with time. To have it no longer there makes me feel lighter indeed. Of course, my future now now possesses my thoughts. I guess "one less thing to worry about" is one of those little white lies we tell ourselves. Every little worry, after all, is quickly replaced, especially when you are ambitious.