Give me a -tion word

There are two forces at work within me right now. Two voices for two opposing ideas, and depending on the circumstances, either can be winning at any given time.

There is a part of me that is absolutely scarred shitless to audition now as a soloist. Whereas the insular environment that I have found myself caught up in in the past 3 years can in some ways be coddling, in that I know that I am talented when compared with those other people in the chorus, it can also be damning in ways, in that I am now scared to leave the nest and try new things. There is a voice inside of me that remembers vividly the auditions of 2003, that remembers the horrible, mean comments of agents not in any way interested in my talents. Memories of this time are a sort of mishmash of the overall corruption of my dreams as they crashed and burned. This part of me, long silenced, has now been given voice and is filling me with doubt. Whereas in the Fall I was filled with great hope and a near certainty that I was doing the right thing by pursuing this, I am now, as I get closer to actually doing it, completely conflicted.

The other voice is the voice that says “you can do it” that says “no matter what happens, you must try”, that says “this is your destiny”. This is the highly refined voice, the voice that speaks softly but carries a big stick, it is the voice that usually wins most of these inner arguments, even if not so resoundingly that the other voice lay their in heaps after a knock-out bash. This is the voice that does not question my leaving my cushy job in Pforzheim; this is the voice that encourages me to delve into the unknown because it is my dream and because I know, if only from the lowest common denominator, that I cannot stay here any longer.

I try to focus on this second voice. It is the one that I can concentrate on, that fills me with relief and positive energy. But, when I hear little snide comments from my colleagues, or take too much to heart the jokes of friends, it is always the first voice that comes out and says: “see, I told you so”. It will also be the voice that will possess me when an audition does not turn out well. Any small opportunity, and this voice, as negative and as based on a “me” that simply doesn't exist anymore, based, even, on a singer that doesn't sound anything like he did in 2003, comes out in its haughtiest form and tries to tell me that I am stupid to think I am more.

Unfortunately, this doubt is affecting my singing. Once sure of where I stand, now all of my tones are in question. The instrument is there. It's ready. The technique is there. Now I am playing the head game that a lot of athletes talk about. I have to believe that it is good before it can really be good. All is at the ready except for he who is at the helm.