Tempus fugit, infinitum

Yes, I am here. Somewhat, anyway…

I have awoken each morning too early because of the panic of what is to happen with my doctorate. I just had the most terrible day yesterday, riddled with thousands of thoughts. I spent the day picking away them in order to eventually see the choices that I have to make. You know, I have this idea about choice, one which is reinforced when I see some horrible sob story about some old man who has been incarcerated since he was a young one because of his outlandishly stupid, and repeated bad choices in life. I always think of what there is to be learned from such things. What I take to heart from such examples is that choices must be considered and then acted upon, but there are, definitely, good and bad choices in life.

After spending the entire day yesterday mulling about the facts surrounding my immediate future, one choice because obvious in the forefront of my mind: that I must, because of shear timing, choose between auditioning as a Heldentenor and finishing my doctorate by May.

When I am completely honest with myself, I have to admit that, yes, I do want to be a university professor, but that this moment is not now. I have put such a priority on finishing my doctorate immediately so that I can have a chance to find a job before September. But, getting a job just after I finish in May seems unlikely. And, if truth be told, the idea of moving from my life here in Germany back to some small university town in Mississippi seems dismal at best.

In addition, after having talked with a couple of Americans who have been teaching at universities here for a while, I have been told that 34 years of age is an age that almost no university will even consider for a professorship (it is too young.) So, in other words, I am putting all of this insane pressure on myself to get a whole bunch of things done in a very short amount of time, even when I will be, starting in the beginning of July almost free of any attachments to time constraints whatsoever…i.e., I will be free to finish as I should and not try to cram everything into my already full brain.

I am not sure exactly what I will do. There is no doubt that my original goal of being finished with my doctorate in 2007 still stands. But, why does it have to all be while I m working and auditioning at the same time?