Casus belli

This week has been a rather tumultuous one at work. At a time when I shouldn't be worrying about what is going at work whatsoever, I have become embroiled in drama, drama that I should just ignore.

I think the most ironic thing of all is that, when people ask me what it's like to work with the same 16 people day in and day out, in intimate circumstances such as working on stage, I usually say: "I have virtually no problems to speak of, with the exception of an occasional bout with the two other Americans in the chorus."

And, the drama, partly, of course, brought on by my sharp tongue and my unwillingness to let myself be walked all over, was with these two guys--the Americans. I won't go into details except to say that it involved a lot of screaming, hand gesturing and dialogue such as "you can stick it up your fat, white ass" and the proverbial "fuck you". Ok, there was a lot of that second one... I think what infuriated them both is that I remained calm during their venomous diatribes. For that, I was proud of myself. Don't get me wrong, I engaged them with my words, they were just said calmly even going so far as to make fun of one of the temper tantrums by feigning a feeling of being threatened when a finger was wagged here and there.

It did trouble me, though, I have to admit, that these two things happened within such a short span of each other. The likelihood that these two things could have happened just out of chance in such a space of time is very small. Somehow, in a time of feeling resentful by constantly being one-upped by their well-seasoned inner-political manipulations and gossip, I must have purposefully bated them into flying off the handle. This sort of realization hurt me to some extent, because, contrary to popular belief, I see myself as a good person, not as the seething Queen Bitch that others do. I think probably I give myself credit for at least trying to be good even if it doesn't always work. In some ways, though, a strong stance is good to have in your back pocket in this business. (These people can be mean and I do mean mean!)

That being said, that I had some part of this Tango as it were, it should also be mentioned that everyone, by now, knows that I am trying to complete my doctorate this year and am not staying in Pforzheim. And, as I had suspected, the fact that I am leaving has stirred up some emotions, most of which are not about me. There were three things that I came to realize when I had thought and meditated about these days of battle:

1. That I am in some way responsible for these little tiffs.
2. That, if I were to make a hierarchical list of the people who would be most pleased if I were to fall on my face and fail in my attempt to further my career in other directions, these two guys, the Americans, would be on the top of it.
3. That, considering #2, the reason that they are so frustrated with me is because they know, deep down, that I will not fail, and that makes them angry.

Strange, I know. But, in thinking about the thousands of thoughts that floated through my mind in the past couple of days, they are the only three things that seem to have that scent of truth about them. They seem to contradict each other, but, like many strange dichotomies in life, I believe that they simultaneously exist despite their disparate natures.

Do not worry, those of you out there rooting for me (I know you're there and it really, really DOES make a difference.) I have fallen off the horse, but have mounted her again (I couldn't just walk away from a wonderful verb like that.) Now, I know that I just need to keep my mouth shut and float above the dangerous waters until Pforzheim's place in my own personal history comes to a hopefully, nice, dull end.

I forget...you all know me, and you know that perhaps life's greatest challenge is for me to keep my mouth shut.